- 1 Differences between Russians and Americans
- 2 Television Program
- 3 Section 1: Communication - Russians are Coconuts, Americans are Peaches
- 3.1 Peach vs. Coconut
- 3.2 Americans expect total honesty in marriage
- 3.3 Americans talk a lot about Mental health - revealing every secret
- 3.4 Common courtesies
- 3.5 Gesturing
- 3.6 Personal space - eye contact
- 3.7 Physical contact between the opposite sex
- 3.8 Conversational style
- 4 Section 2: SEX
- 5 Section 3: Privacy - There is no word for privacy in Russian
- 6 Section 4: Home life
- 7 Section 5: Russians in business
- 8 Section 6: Dating Marrying, Divorcing a Russian
- 9 Section 7: Soviet Mentality Muscovites and Russians
- 10 Section 8: Further differences between Americans and Russians
- 11 My first year in Russia: One American's random observations about life in Moscow
- 11.1 A MILLION VICTORS, TANYAS and OXANAS
- 11.2 Cursive
- 11.3 Text messages are not free in Russia
- 11.4 Printers and copying
- 11.5 Appallingly cheap quality Chinese imports
- 11.6 MOSCOW LOCKS AND MONETARILY ESCAPING RUSSIA AT STARBUCKS
- 11.7 Moscow is a suffocating damp warm blanket
- 11.8 In Moscow, MEETUP.COM Is to monetize, not socialize
- 11.9 A million Ivans
- 11.10 Networking in Moscow
- 11.11 Muscovite men are liars
- 11.12 Monstrous impersonal MOSCOW
- 11.13 CUSTOMER SERVICE - BEING RUDE TO WAIT STAFF WORKS BEST
- 11.14 RUSSIANS IN GENERA
- 11.15 STABILITY
- 11.16 THE TRIPLE/QUADRUPLE LIVES THAT I AM FORCED TO LIVE
- 11.17 Moscow woman are looking for sugar daddy's and a ticket to escape grinding poverty
- 11.18 Do I love Moscow?
- 12 Youtube: Why Russia is better than America - Why people are moving to Russia
- 13 Culture differences matter
- 14 Further Reading
- 15 Notes
- 16 Further Reading (General Culture Communication Books)
Differences between Russians and Americans
Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma -- Winston Churchill
Translation: Russian is a deep deep mystery to English and Americans.
Section 1: Communication - Russians are Coconuts, Americans are Peaches
Peach vs. Coconut
- File:The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia).pdf
- File:Irena Irina differences between Americans and Russians.docx
- File:American versus differences russians.pptx
- File:How do ordinary people live in America.docx
PEACH VS. COCONUT: FRIENDLY DOES NOT EQUAL RELATIONSHIP BASED
Just as it is easy to misinterpret the reason for an icebreaker activity, it’s easy to mistake certain social customs of Americans that might suggest strong personal connections where none are intended. For example, Americans are more likely than those from many cultures to smile at strangers and to engage in personal discussions with people they hardly know. Others may interpret this “friendliness” as an offer of friendship. Later, when the Americans don’t follow through on their unintended offer, those other cultures often accuse them of being “fake” or “hypocritical.”
Igor Agapova...tells this story about his first trip to the United States:
- I sat down next to a stranger on the airplane for a nine-hour flight to New York. This American began asking me very personal questions: did I have any children, was it my first trip to the U.S., what was I leaving behind in Russia? And he began to also share very personal information about himself. He showed me pictures of his children, told me he was a bass player, and talked about how difficult his frequent traveling was for his wife, who was with his newborn child right now in Florida.
- In response, Agapova started to do something that was unnatural for him and unusual in Russian culture—he shared his personal story quite openly with this friendly stranger, thinking they had built an unusually deep friendship in a short period of time. The sequel was quite disappointing:
- I thought that after this type of connection, we would be friends for a very long time. When the airplane landed, imagine my surprise when, as I reached for a piece of paper in order to write down my phone number, my new friend stood up and with a friendly wave of his hand said, “Nice to meet you! Have a great trip!” And that was it. I never saw him again. I felt he had purposely tricked me into opening up when he had no intention of following through on the relationship he had instigated.
Kurt Lewin was one of the first social scientists to explain individual personality as being partially formed by the cultural system in which a person was raised.
- Americans are Peaches and Russians are Coconuts
- Friendly does not equal relationship based
Authors Fons Trompenaars and Charles Hampden-Turner later expanded on Lewin’s model to explain how:
Different cultures have different layers of information that they divulge publicly or reserve for private relationships.
These models are frequently referred to as the peach and coconut models of personal interaction. In peach cultures like the United States or Brazil, to name a couple, people tend to be friendly (“soft”) with others they have just met:
- They smile frequently at strangers,
- move quickly to first-name usage,
- share information about themselves, and
- ask personal questions of those they hardly know.
But after a little friendly interaction with a peach person, you may suddenly get to the hard shell of the pit where the peach protects his real self. In these cultures, friendliness does not equal friendship.
If you are a peach person traveling in a coconut culture, be aware of the Russian saying “If we pass a stranger on the street who is smiling, we know with certainty that that person is crazy . . . or else American.”
In coconut cultures such Russia and Germany, people are initially more closed off from those they don’t have friendships with. They rarely smile at strangers, ask casual acquaintances personal questions, or offer personal information to those they don’t know intimately. But over time, as coconuts get to know you, they become gradually warmer and friendlier. And while relationships are built up slowly, they also tend to last longer….<ref>Erin Meyer. One Reason Cross-Cultural Small Talk Is So Tricky – Harvard Business Review.</ref>
If you enter a room in Moscow (or Belgrade, Prague, or even Munich or Stockholm) and find a group of solemn-looking managers who make no effort to chat, do not take this as a sign that the culture does not value relationship building. On the contrary, it is through building a warm personal connection over time that your coconut-culture counterparts will become trusting, loyal partners.<ref>The Culture Map - Erin Meyer</ref>
The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia):
- The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia)-5.png
- The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia)-1.png
- The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia)-2.png
- The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia)-3.png
- The culture map - Erin Meyer (excerpt about Russia)-4.png
Americans expect total honesty in marriage
The ideal of total honesty that is professed in many American marriages is alien to the Russian mentality. Muriel and Joyce were surprised that their Russian husbands did not tell them about their former girlfriends, and did not want to hear about their wives' previous experiences. "Those things are private," Sergei explained. "If you're married and you're attracted to someone else, you keep it to yourself. Otherwise you only hurt your spouse's feelings." Muriel's arguments about honesty got nowhere. "I'm not going to tell you what I do outside the house," Sergei retorted. "All this blathering Americans think is honesty only winds up offending everyone."<ref name="wedded"/>
Americans talk a lot about Mental health - revealing every secret
The American infatuation with "professional help" and "mental health" puts most Russians off. Russians do not like to engage in detailed analysis of their feelings towards each other with their spouse or lover. Russians believe that people should solve problems and conflicts on their own, or with help from friends. A Russian journalist was surprised by the widespread role of therapists in the United States. "And I want to emphasize a specific trait-the aspiration of Americans to total candor. To unveil everything secret, to talk through everything." For Russians, true intimacy lies in the silence of a couple who understand each other by a look or a gesture. As a matter of fact, the American penchant for self-analysis and "letting it all hang out" strikes Russians as mostly superficial: when it comes to a real opening up, Russians find Americans quite closed.<ref name="wedded"/>
Americans find Russian rude because they hardly ever say please or thank you
Their American friends found Sergei and Pyotr rude because they hardly ever said "please" and "thank you." In Russian, polite requests are expressed primarily through a rise and fall in intonation, or through expressions such as "be so kind." Sergei was very polite in Russian, but "Give me this" or "Pass the bread" sounded extremely rude to Muriel's American friends.
Nor do Russians use a pen to say thank you. One Russian bride had to be pushed by her American mother-in-law to write thank you notes for the wedding gifts. "Russians don't write them," she said in exasperation.
Fyodor was offended when people he had just met addressed him by his first name. So were Boris's Russian friends when Mary C. addressed them by their first names instead of by the first name and patronymic. "I can't remember everybody's father's name!" she wailed. "It's hard enough remembering all the first names in this impossible language!"<ref name="wedded"/>
Gestures and body language can also cause misunderstandings. For an American a smile on being introduced signals pleasure at making a new acquaintance, and a willingness to engage in conversation. Russians do not smile on meeting people.
When Carol first introduced her husband Fyodor to scientists who could be professionally helpful, his face was locked in a scowl. "Why should I smile at someone I don't know?" he asked her. "I'm not a clown. If I'm ready for a serious conversation I have to look serious." In Russia a smile on meeting a stranger may be interpreted as a sign that the person is not serious about the upcoming talk, or that he has a hidden agenda under a superficial and hypocritical smile. Carol explained to Fyodor that his refusal to smile made colleagues think he was being cold and unfriendly.
As an American professor of Russian observed, Russians are accustomed to using an unsmiling expression as a barrier between themselves and the outside world: The Russians' lack of personal space at home in their apartments, on public transportation or on the job causes them to erect their personal space boundaries next to their skin. Therefore it is common for Russians to have deadpan or frozen expressions on their faces. We tend to perceive this as unfriendly and it may ruffle our feathers."<ref name="wedded"/>
- Three likely explanations for Russians not smiling
People in different cultures communicate with one another. Different cultures have different “display rules,” or norms that dictate how individuals should express themselves.
Display rules are often governed by something called “social distance,” which refers to the expectation of privacy in a given culture. Studies have found that in Russia, social distance is lower relative to the U.S., meaning that people generally expect to be approached by strangers and there’s more mutual understanding. There’s less pressure to display a positive emotion like smiling to signal friendliness or openness, because it’s generally assumed you’re already on the same wavelength.
When there’s greater social distance, there’s more wiggle room to get into trouble during a chance encounter. Because Americans expect a modicum of privacy even when out in public, strangers approach one another less frequently. When it does happen, it can be anxiety-inducing.
So when approaching a stranger, a smile can grease the social wheels of the interaction and help the other person feel at ease.<ref>Samuel Putnam, June 27, 2018, Why are Russians so stingy with their smiles?.</ref>
Countries with lots of immigration have historically relied more on nonverbal communication. Thus, people there might smile more. Emotional expressiveness was correlated with diversity. In other words, when there are a lot of immigrants around, you might have to smile more to build trust and cooperation, since you don’t all speak the same language.
In countries that are more uniform, people were more likely to smile to show they were superior to one another.<ref>Why Americans Smile So Much</ref>
😀😀😀😀😀 Russians smile less because they used to be slaves.(seefdom) 😐😐😐😐
Russians tend to gesture far more than Americans. Muriel thought Sergei was upset when he waved his arm or hammered his fist on the table, but this was merely nonverbal punctuation. Pyotr's habit of shaking his index finger at her, as though scolding a naughty child, infuriated Joyce. "Cut it out and stop lecturing me!" she snapped. "I'm not lecturing you," he protested, surprised. "I'm just saying be sure you lock the door when you leave."<ref name="wedded"/>
Personal space - eye contact
Muriel had to explain to her girlfriends that when Sergei moved very close to them during a conversation, he was not making passes. He would stand eight inches away, much closer than the distance at which Americans feel comfortable: it's the Russian way. Nor was he trying to look soulfully and romantically into their eyes.
- Russians are in the habit of looking directly and unblinkingly at the person they are addressing. Fred had to tell Irina not to "stare" at his American friends, who were uncomfortable when she concentrated her gaze on them.
Body language situations are particularly tricky because the problem remains unstated; the American does not say "You're standing so close I feel uncomfortable," and a Russian does not ask "Why are you looking away from me?"<ref name="wedded"/>
Physical contact between the opposite sex
On meeting and parting there is far more embracing, kissing and holding hands among Russians than among Americans. Carol explained to her girlfriend that Fyodor was not trying to flirt when he took her arm while escorting her to a cab after dinner; he was being a gentleman.
She, in turn, could not get used to the way the Russian wives of her American friends took her arm in the street.
Sergei learned not to embrace or kiss American men on meeting or parting, a friendly Russian gesture which can be drastically misinterpreted by American men.<ref name="wedded"/>
Russians talk in lengthy, uninterrupted monologues
Then there are differences in conversational style. Russians tend to talk in lengthy, uninterrupted monologues, and find the American style of short answers and repartee brusque and rude. Americans normally talk about their activities and experienceswhat they have done, where they have gone, whom they have seen. For Russians, anything and everything is grist for the mill: people, ideas, politics, books, movies. "They can even analyze a borshch," Muriel commented, "as though it were a theoretical problem, like the existence of God."
Americans get straight to the point
When answering a question, Americans get straight to the point. Russians tend to go back to the beginning of time. "Every time someone asks Fyodor how he likes America, all he has to do is say 'fine,"' Carol sighed. "Instead out comes a doctoral thesis on the history of the United States and what's wrong with the country." "When my aunt asked Pyotr how his mother was, he gave her the woman's entire medical history," Joyce said.
- The Russian feels it is discourteous to give a short answer.
- The American resents being held captive to a long monologue.
- Americans feel that simplicity and brevity are the soul of wit and wisdom.
- For Russians, a valuable idea is a complex idea.
Muriel phoned a friend for some information and spent only a minute or two on pleasantries before getting down to business. In Moscow there would first have been a long conversation about the family, the weather, and so on. Starting off with a request, or responding with "What can I do for you?" would be rude.
To American spouses and friends, the endless Russian stories that are a staple of Russian gettogethers can be boring and pompous. Americans like to save time and get to the point. The Russian prefers to go around in circles, lacing his speech with literary, mythological or historical allusions. As the cultural anthropologist Edward Hall noted,
- "Americans are often uncomfortable with indirectness . . . Most Americans keep their social conversations light, rather than engaging in serious, intellectual or philosophical discussions, a trait which especially bothers Europeans."
"I'm wasting my time with your friends," Sergei grumbled at Muriel. "I keep trying to tell them something interesting, and they sit there fidgeting and interrupting."
Years of living in fear of the secret police make Russians hesitant to state their ideas explicitly
- Years of living in fear of the secret police make Russians hesitant to state their ideas explicitly, and they often seek a veiled or subtle way of conveying a thought. If the listener is intelligent, he should understand what is meant, and it is insulting to spoonfeed him.
- For the American, speaking intelligently means speaking directly and clearly.
"I feel like they're talking in code," Joyce complained of Pyotr and his friends. "Why can't they just say what they mean?" Many Russians see their [American] mates as childish and unsophisticated.' "I can see my American friends' eyes glaze over when Sergei gets going on one of his half-hour philosophical diatribes," Muriel said. "That just convinces him even more of how superior he and his friends are to all of us."<ref name="wedded"/>
Section 2: SEX
Russians have a glaring contrast between a kind of puritanism that avoids the slightest mention of sex and a tolerance for obscene jokes and language that shocks even sophisticated Westerners.
A recent survey of sexual activity in fifteen countries shows Americans as the most active nationality, engaging in sex 135 times per year, with Russians in second place with 133 acts annually.
When Joyce told Pyotr that she was getting up from bed to insert her diaphragm he was shocked. "That female stuff-go do it and don't talk about it!" he snapped. He insisted that she always jump up and "wash" immediately after sex since, like many Russian men, he was convinced that "washing" was an effective means of contraception-and besides, he felt that after sex a woman was "dirty." Joyce would have much preferred to fall asleep in his arms, but he saw her reluctance as yet another proof of her poor hygiene.
Russian mothers rarely talk about sex or contraception to their daughters, and, even though most Russian doctors are women, many young women are too embarrassed to speak to them.
Seventy per cent of Soviet women say they have never experienced orgasm." Partly this is because many Russian men don't know, or don't care, what satisfies a woman, but another common reason is the fear of pregnancy and a widespread belief that female orgasm increases chances of conception.
In Russia talking about sex - which many Americans take for granted-was for perverts and prostitutes. This silence appears to have been a blessing for many American men, tired of being told what to do during every minute of lovemaking. Unless he were hurting her, a Russian would be horrified by his wife's telling him she did not like what he was doing, and would be even more shocked were she to tell him what he should do. One Muscovite whose marriage ended in divorce was repelled by his American wife's behavior. "She was unbelievably aggressive in bed," he recalled. "Always telling me what she liked and what she didn't, put my hand here and my tongue there, trying to program me as though I were a computer. And she never shut up. It was like being at a horizontal seminar, not like making love."
In Russia, a woman who initiates sex is considered extremely forward. It is the man who calls the shots. Even though Muriel had to get up early, Sergei insisted on having sex whenever he wanted, even at five in the morning after an all-night drinking bout. A man does not expect his initiatives to be rejected. "
Despite this "chauvinist" attitude, Russians can seem very romantic to American women who have talked themselves hoarse about sex inside and outside the bedroom. apart from vulgar "men's language" there is no "erotic language" in Russian, and that the language barely has the linguistic tools with which to talk about sex. "Even married couples," writes Kon, "find themselves in terrible straits because they have no acceptable words to express their specific desires or explain their problems, even to each other."
Since Russian women have been brought up to think that displaying an interest in sex is indecent, many never dared say anything if a man ignored foreplay.<ref name="wedded"/>
Section 3: Abortion
- During Soviet times "women terminated seven pregnancies on average during their lifetimes."<ref>Abortion Remains Top Birth-Control Option In Russia, Radio Free Europe, (June 28, 2008).</ref>
- Women have, on average, five abortions in their lifetime, two of which are illegal.<ref>The Sociocultural and Political Aspects of Abortion: Global Perspectives</ref>
- Lifetime abortions per woman: Average number of abortions a Russian woman has during her reproductive years.
- 1990: 3.0,
- 2006: 1.2,
- 2010: 1.0.<ref>Russian Survey Highlights-Results of the 2011 Russian, CDC, (2011).</ref>
- 10 percent of women who undergo [abortion] are left sterile. According to U.S. demographer Murray Feshbach, two of every three pregnancies in Russia end in abortion, and women, on average, have six to eight abortions during their lifetime; at least 80 percent of all women have a pathology (abnormality) during pregnancy; and only 30 percent of all children are born healthy.<ref>Yale Richmond, (2003) From Nyet to Da: Understanding the New Russia.
Source: Feshbach, in a talk at the Kennan Institute, Washington, DC, November 1, 1994, and in a conversation with the author.</ref>
- In 1920.... the Soviet Union became the first state in the world to legalize abortion... (it was banned once before — for a 20-year period beginning with Josef Stalin in 1936)...official figures show almost 930,000 women terminate a pregnancy each year. That number is half of what it was in 1995, and one seventh what it was for the Soviet Union in 1965, when abortions nearly tripled the number of births.<ref>Putin’s Next Target Is Russia’s Abortion Culture, Foreign Policy, (October 3, 2017).</ref>
- Birth control and abortion in Russia
Section 4: Fidelity - Adultery - Russians cheat A LOT, Americans act like puritans
Attitudes towards sexual fidelity also differ. In Russia, the shortage of men provides considerable opportunities for short and long-term affairs, and for Russian men infidelity is the rule rather than the exception. Since men are at a premium, a wife may have to put up with her husband's having a permanent mistress and even an out-of-wedlock child. Such a "second family" is quite common, and a man is not criticized for it; in fact, he may be praised for keeping both women happy by not abandoning either of them.
A Russian woman will not be criticized for leaving a husband who beats her or who is an inveterate drunkard, but male adultery is not assumed to be automatic grounds for the wife's walking out.
A man is expected to be discrete, and to spare his wife's feelings by keeping his dalliances from her.<ref name="wedded"/>
Extramarital sex, both casual and long-term, is quite common; more than three quarters of the people surveyed had extramarital contacts in 1989, whereas in 1969, the figure was less than half. But public opinion is critical of extramarital sex. In a 1992 survey only 23 percent agreed that it is okay to have a lover as well as a husband or wife, while 50 percent disagreed. Extramarital affairs seem to be morally more acceptable for men than for women.<ref name="facts"/>
During the Soviet Union, “Sex was the last thing they couldn’t take away from us, and that’s why we did it so much. Everyone had affairs with everyone. Moscow was the most erotic city in the world.”
One REASON there’s so much adultery in Russia is that there are so few men. Since the 1980s the average life expectancy for Russian men has fallen from sixty-five to fifty-eight. They die of alcoholism, cigarettes, job injuries, and car accidents. By the time men and women reach sixty-five there are just 46 Russian men left for every 100 women (compared with 72 men for every 100 women of that age in the United States).
These skewed demographics infect romance. In Moscow I have lunch with a well-off single woman in her forties who tells me that if she didn’t go out with married men she’d have almost no one to date. In fact, she doesn’t know any single women who don’t date married men. And none of them try to hide this. For Russian women in their thirties and forties, let alone older ones, a man who isn’t married or an alcoholic is as rare as a Faberge egg.
Woman "need to accept [men cheating], because he feeds her, her children, everybody. She needs a strong man, but a strong man can leave for one or two nights.”
Eighteen-year-old Katya is tall and skinny, with a pageboy haircut and a precocious command of English. She’s animated and confident, especially when describing what she wants in a husband: someone who doesn’t drink or beat her. She says she’ll be lucky if she finds someone like this. She’s just a few years shy of marrying age. Though she has the occasional fling, there are no significant prospects on the horizon. Boys her age are “very cruel, and they drink.” The few serious ones are more focused on their careers than on relationships, and there’s a lot of competition for them. “For me, of course I would like my husband to be faithful, and I will do the same, but I don’t know, it depends on the situation. But if we have a good relationship as family partners, we have children, then if he has someone on the side, I have someone on the side, it’s okay, so that the child will grow up in a family with both parents.”
In the Russian edition of Cosmopolitan, Russia’s bestselling magazine, is running a primer for women on how to hide their lovers from their husbands.
Outside Russia’s big cities some husbands don’t even bother hiding their affairs.
Russians, like Americans, seem to believe that married people shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. But whereas in America that presupposes a harmless emotional openness and intimacy, in Russia it often means exposing harsh truths about affairs.
If there’s a 50 percent affair rate for men, then presumably the other half of men don’t cheat. So where are these missing men? I can’t find them. The whole time I’m in Moscow, I don’t meet a single person who admits to being monogamous.<ref name="lust">Druckerman, Pamela, (2008). Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee. Penguin Books</ref>
In Moscow, women in their forties told me that, by necessity, they only date married men. That's because, since the life expectancy for Russian men has fallen so sharply (to 59) that by age 65 there are just 46 men left for every 100 women.
And it was clear that Russian men flaunted this demographic advantage. With the exception of a pastor (who was sitting with his wife at the time), I didn't meet a single married man in Russia who admitted to being monogamous.
A family psychologist whom I had intended to interview as an "expert" boasted about her own extramarital relationships and insisted that given Russia's endemic alcoholism, violent crime, and tiny apartments, affairs are "obligatory."<ref name="lust2">Druckerman, Pamela, (2008). Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee. Penguin Books Found in Lust in Translation: Which Country Has the Highest Rates of Infidelity? Infidelity is universal. But which country boasts the most cheaters? (2008). Alternet. </ref>
Soviet policies which encouraged adultery
From the book The Whisperers: Private Life in Stalin's Russia
The Bolsheviks also intervened more directly in domestic life. The new Code on Marriage and the Family (1918) established a legislative framework that clearly aimed to facilitate the breakdown of the traditional family. It removed the influence of the Church from marriage and divorce, making both a process of simple registration with the state. It granted the same legal rights to de facto marriages (couples living together) as it gave to legal marriages. The Code turned divorce from a luxury for the rich to something that was easy and affordable for all. The result was a huge increase in casual marriages and the highest rate of divorce in the world – three times higher than in France or Germany and twenty-six times higher than in England by 1926 – as the collapse of the Christianpatriarchal order and the chaos of the revolutionary years loosened sexual morals along with family and communal ties. 13
In the early years of Soviet power, family breakdown was so common among revolutionary activists that it almost constituted an occupational hazard. Casual relationships were practically the norm in Bolshevik circles during the Civil War, when any comrade could be sent at a moment’s notice to some distant sector of the front. Such relaxed attitudes remained common throughout the 1920s, as Party activists and their young emulators in the Komsomol (Communist Youth League) were taught to put their commitment to the proletariat before romantic love or family. Sexual promiscuity was more pronounced in the Party’s youthful ranks than among Soviet youth in general. Many Bolsheviks regarded sexual licence as a form of liberation from bourgeois moral conventions and as a sign of ‘Soviet modernity’. Some even advocated promiscuity as a way to counteract the formation of coupling relationships that separated lovers from the collective and detracted from their loyalty to the Party. 14
It was a commonplace that the Bolshevik made a bad husband and father because the demands of the Party took him away from the home. ‘We Communists don’t know our own families,’ remarked one Moscow Bolshevik. ‘You leave early and come home late. You seldom see your wife and almost never see your children.’ At Party congresses, where the issue was discussed throughout the 1920s, it was recognized that Bolsheviks were far more likely than non-Party husbands to abandon wives and families, and that this had much to do with the primacy of Party loyalties over sexual fidelity. But in fact the problem of absent wives and mothers was almost as acute in Party circles, as indeed it was in the broader circles of the Soviet intelligentsia, where most women were involved in the public sphere. 15
Khrushchev administration policies encourages infidelity
For decades in the Soviet Union had been trying, and failing, to recover from the catastrophic population loss caused by the Second World War and the Gulag extermination system. The thrust of the population policies initiated by Khrushchev was to get as many women as possible to have children by the comparatively few surviving men. The policies dictated that men who fathered children out of wedlock would not be held responsible for child support but the state would help the single mother both with financial subsidies and with childcare: she could even leave the child at an orphanage for any length of time, as many times as she needed, without forfeiting her parental rights. The state endeavored to remove any stigma associated with resorting to the help of orphanages, or with single motherhood and having children out of wedlock. Women could put down a fictitious man as the father on the child’s birth certificate—or even name the actual father, without his having to fear being burdened with responsibility. “The new project was designed to encourage both men and women to have non-conjugal sexual relationships that would result in procreation,” writes historian Mie Nakachi.<ref>Masha Gessen, (2017). The Future Is History: How Totalitarianism Reclaimed Russia.</ref>
Russians are willing to cheat more than 24 other countries
By 1998, a study showed that Russian men and women led their peers in 24 other countries in their willingness to engage in and approve of extramarital affairs. Faithfulness in marriage is seen as something that is nice but unrealistic. If women don't really expect it of their husbands, they can pre-empt feelings of shock and betrayal.<ref name="slate">Julia Ioffe, The Cheating Cheaters of Moscow How infidelity has become accepted and even expected in Russia., (2010), Slate.</ref>
Section 3: Privacy - There is no word for privacy in Russian
There is no word for privacy in the Russian language.* (See also "smiling")
A husband married to an American was accustomed to Russia where living in a two-room apartment with his parents, grandfather and sister, he was able to ignore Muriel's telephone conversations, the television and the clatter of pots and pans.
"It's as though he builds an invisible wall around himself," Muriel said. "Their language doesn't even have a word for privacy, and in Russia there was so little of it that they simply create their personal space out of nothing."
Americans do not give up their "personal space" lightly. Mary C. refused to have the living room in her St. Petersburg apartment double as a bedroom, and insisted on making the smaller room, which Boris wanted as a study, into the bedroom.
Many Russians don't understand why two people, even if they plan to have children, would need four or six rooms.<ref name="wedded"/>
Section 4: Home life
Most wives in Russia [wind] up doing all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. Even if a Russian wife works, the man looks on himself as the breadwinner and on her as responsible for the housework and child care.
Russian men...are thrown off by the unwillingness of "liberated" American women to take on the role of homemaker.<ref name="wedded">Excerpts from Wedded Strangers: The Challenges of Russian-American Marriages</ref>
Gelsey Kirkland found Baryshnikov's austerely furnished country house heavy, dark and oppressive, but he loved the place because it reminded him of Russia.' The Oswalds' first house in America was shabbily furnished and decrepit, but Marina was enchanted by the privacy and space.' Even a woman as sophisticated as Raissa Gorbachev was amazed by the spaciousness of the home of the American family with whom she had tea during her visit to the United States, and by the fact that each of the four children had his own bedroom.'
When everything is available, Russians can become incredibly demanding. Nothing but the best will do. A new house or apartment is treated as a home for life, for in Russia if you were lucky enough to find a nice place to live, moving again was furthest from your thoughts. When Carol and Fyodor wanted to buy an apartment they saw at least eighty places before Fyodor was satisfied. The rooms were too small or the lobby was unattractive, or there was no view. When it comes to wallpaper, furniture, and china, the Russian spouse is likely to opt for the most colorful, extravagant, and expensive items.
The memory of hundreds of virtually identical Soviet interiors is engraved on Russians' minds. The standard set of glossy dark wood furniture, a couch doubling as a bed, a rug hanging on the wall, glass-enclosed bookcases, a large television set and a sideboard with china and crystal-all this is transferred like a decal to the new American home. Svetlana could not imagine doing without a hall with a large mirror for the ritual hair-combing that takes place the minute a Russian enters, or a rack for the boots and shoes that are exchanged for slippers when coming in from snowy streets.
"Mary keeps saying Russian furniture is gloomy," Boris complained. "But I don't really like that rug that looks as if it's from the Museum of Modern Art." "I didn't want the place to look like a Russian souvenir store," Joyce recalled. "Pyotr had all these clumsy wooden figures and nesting dolls, and cheap reproductions of Impressionist landscapes.<ref name="wedded"/>
Clothing - appearance
Carol could not make Fyodor wear a tie-which, like so many Russian men, he detested-to anything other than a wedding or a funeral.
In Russia men often wear boxer shorts and tank top undershirts at home, but Carol could not stand Fyodor's sitting around the house in his underwear. Many American wives were surprised to discover that undershirts and boxer shorts doubled for their husbands as night clothes, since men's pajamas are virtually nonexistent in Russia.
Nor do most Russian men use deodorant or change their underwear. Several Russian women commented that they had originally been attracted to their American spouses because they were so incredibly "clean" compared to Russians.
Russian women spend hours primping in front of the mirror, styling their hair and freshening their makeup.
Today much has changed, but high prices mean that many Russians still have relatively few clothes. Laundry and dry cleaning facilities are still poor, expensive and inconveniently located, and Americans are often surprised to see their Russian business associates wearing the same clothes day after day
When the laundry lost an old and ragged undershirt, Pyotr was convinced that this cherished piece of clothing had been deliberately stolen.
Russians often find American women badly dressed. "With all the stores bursting with clothes, they run around in torn jeans and Tshirts with those silly advertisements on them!" Svetlana exclaimed. "I don't understand them."
Regardless of the pressures of housework, jobs and standing in line, Russian men expect their wives to be well groomed, their hair perfectly set, their nails manicured and polished.
“All you American females yapping about liberation, always in a rush-you look as if you came off the garbage heap! No wonder you couldn't find an American husband!"
Fyodor could not understand why Carol refused to paint her toenails bright red the way many Russian women do. "It makes me look like a whore," she said.<ref name="wedded"/>
Walking barefoot and sitting on the floor
Sergei and Pyotr disliked their wives' habits of kicking off their shoes, walking around barefoot, and sitting on the floor. Aside from being "unaesthetic," walking barefoot meant catching cold, and sitting on the floor was guaranteed to produce all kinds of feminine pelvic problems alluded to in somber whispers.<ref name="wedded"/>
At dinner the Russians did not wait for the hostess to start eating before diving in.<ref name="wedded"/>
Perceptions of time: Russians are always late
Being late seems to be part of the Russian makeup. The anthropologist Edward Hall has described two types of time, monochronous and polychronous, each true for one culture but not for another. The United States goes by monochronous time, meaning that an American gives his undivided attention to one event before proceeding to the next. He takes deadlines seriously, values promptness, and attaches importance to short-term relationships. Russians basically live in polychronous time, in which a person deals simultaneously with multiple events and is very flexible about appointments. He is always ready to change his schedule at a moment's notice to accommodate a friend or relative, since he attaches more importance to long-term relationships than to shortterm ones.
Muriel would make lunch appointments with magazine editors three weeks ahead. Sergei would call up a busy executive in the morning hoping to see him that afternoon. Who knew what might happen three weeks hence? Fyodor thought it was ridiculous for Carol to invite guests to dinner two weeks in advance; Carol found it odd when his Russian friends called up late Friday night to invite them to dinner the next evening. As Ronald Hingley observed, "To the excessively time-geared Westerner, Russia still seems to operate in an atmosphere relatively emancipated from the clock."' Fyodor hardly ever wore a watch unless Carol reminded him that he had a very important appointment. He canceled a promising job interview because his best friend from Russia, whom he had been seeing almost every day during the man's month-long visit to America, called up that morning and said he needed to talk. If a friend or family member needs something, appointments and business commitments go by the board. Such an attitude does not go over well in American offices. Fyodor's boss threatened to fire him because of his chronic tardiness, and only an alarm clock set forty-five minutes ahead forced him to change his behavior.
Americans naturally quantify time. They will meet a friend in ten minutes, finish a project in five months, and apologize if they are more than five minutes late." The Russian concept of time is porous. Joyce finally figured out that when Pyotr said "I'll be ready in an hour" he meant two hours; "in twenty minutes" translated into forty-five; "right away" or "immediately" meant in fifteen minutes. The vagueness of Russian time expressions can drive American spouses crazy. "He'll come during the second half of the day" means anytime between 1 P.M. and 6 P.M., while "around seven o'clock" covers the period from 6:10 to 7:50.<ref name="wedded"/>
Section 5: Russians in business
- Rob in Robota (work) is "slave"
Russian and (American) business cultures :
- both value flexible scheduling rather than organized scheduling (scale 8),
- both accept and appreciate open disagreement (scale 7), and
- both approach issues of trust through a relationship orientation rather than a task orientation (scale 6). (?)
But there’s a big gap between the two cultures when it comes to leading (scale 4):
- Russia favor a hierarchical approach (high power distance)
- Americans prefer an egalitarian one (low power distance)
- NEGATIVE CRITICISM
The Evaluating scale provides a bird’s-eye view of just how direct people in different cultures are with negative criticism.
Most European countries fall to the direct side of the scale, with the Russians, Dutch, and Germans tend to offer frank biting criticism.
The French, Spanish, and Russians are generally stereotyped as being indirect communicators because of their:
high-context, implicit communication style,
....despite the fact that they give negative feedback more directly.
Americans are stereotyped as direct by most of the world, yet when they give negative feedback they are less direct than many European cultures.
- often pass messages between the lines,
- Russians are very subtle communicators. Russians use irony and subtext.
- British and Americans speak transparently.
- ...but when it comes to criticism Russians have a directness that can startle their international colleagues.
- In Russia there is no reservation about expressing your negative criticism openly.
- Russia is a very hierarchical culture.
- If you are a boss speaking to your subordinate, you may be very frank.
- If you are a subordinate speaking to your boss, you had better be very diplomatic with criticism.
- If Russians are speaking with strangers, Russians often speak very forcefully.
- Under Communism, the stranger was the enemy. We didn’t know who we could trust, who would turn us in to the authorities, who would betray us. So we kept strangers at a forceful distance.
- Russians are also very direct with people they are close to.
- If you are walking through the street without a jacket, little old Russian ladies may stop and chastise you for poor judgment
- If you are displeased with the service in a shop or restaurant you can tell the shop assistant or waiter exactly what you think of him, his relatives, his in-laws, his habits, and his sexual bias.
Sandi Carlson called and said a young Russian woman named Anna Golov had recently joined her team and was upsetting a lot of people whose help she needed to get her job done.
- Carlson explained: “This is the fourth Russian coordinator we have had in the group, and with three of them there were similar types of complaints about harsh criticism or what has been perceived as speaking to others inconsiderately.”
Golov herself was in the room with me setting up the classroom checking the IT equipment which was not working properly. Golov on the phone with someone in the IT department. “I’ve called IT three times this week, and every time you are slow to get here and the solution doesn’t last. The solutions you have given me are entirely unacceptable.” Golov went on scolding the IT manager, each sentence a bit harsher than the one before.
American complaints about Russian staff:
- They call me Mr. President
- They defer to my opinions
- They are reluctant to take initiative
- They ask for my constant approval
- They treat me like I am king
“Week two into the job, our IT director e-mailed me to outline in detail a problem we were having with the e-mail process and describing various solutions. He ended his e-mail, ‘Mr. President, kindly explain how you would like me to handle this.’ This was the first of many such e-mails from various directors to fill my inbox. All problems are pushed up, up, up, and I do my best to nudge them way back down.” After all, as Jepsen told the IT manager, “You know the situation better than I do. You are the expert, not me.”
Russian management team were equally annoyed at American's apparent lack of competence as a leader. Here are some of the complaints they offered during focus group interviews:
- He is a weak, ineffective leader
- He doesn’t know how to manage
- He gave up his corner office on the top floor, suggesting to the company that our team is of no importance
- He is incompetent
Section 6: Dating Marrying, Divorcing a Russian
|The biggest fear of a Russian girl is not to be married by the age of 30.|
- Excerpts from Elena Petrova, (2006) How To Find And Marry A Girl Like Me.
Russian people marry early -- by the age of 22 more than 50% of people are already married. By the age of 25 about 80% of people are married. Since there are less men than women in Russia (10 million more women of marriageable ages than men, according to the latest census), and even less men who are worthy, the competition for eligible men is extremely harsh. As a result, the men become spoiled and promiscuous.<ref name="girl"/>
Attractive women in Russia do get many dating offers from Russian men. But those men are seeking only casual sex. They are either already married, unwilling to commit, or they are not worthy of marriage because they cannot provide for a family. A normal man who has a stable job (being able to solely provide for his family), is career and health conscious, and willing to commit are rare. Guys like this are scarce in Russia and not available for long.
In contrast, good-looking women are in abundance in Russia, since the tough competition drives women to perfect their looks.
Historically, during the 20th century, Russia has had many wars, with World War II alone taking 20 million lives, along with another 20 million people dying in Stalin's concentration camps. Nearly 90% of those victims were men. After the war, simply having a man was a blessing. Then there was the 14-year Afghani conflict, in which hundreds of thousands of young Russian men died. Throughout the entire 20th century Russian women had to compete to ensure they had a husband. Now they've got Chechnya - since 1993, just a few years after Russian troops left Afghanistan.
It is scientifically proven that where there are many more women in society than men, men tend to pursue short-term sexual strategies and are unwilling to commit.<ref name="girl"/><ref name="desire">See David M. Buss, "The Evolution Of Desire: Strategies Of Human Mating", where a research was run across 37 cultures.</ref>
Generally, most women prefer their husbands to be 5 to 10 years older than themselves, but the younger the woman is, the less of an issue a wider age difference will matter to her.<ref name="girl"/>
Many Russian women seeking marriage abroad have advanced careers and live well even according to western standards. The conditions of life in a major Russian city such as Moscow or St. Petersburg are comparable to any European capital. The pace of life in Moscow is similar to the one of New York City.<ref name="girl"/>
- The men who go to Ukraine looking for a wife then fly home alone and broke, (2014). Guardian
- BLOG/FORUM: Russian Women Discussion Forum, - related to serious long-term relationships and marriage to a partner from the Former Soviet Union countries!
A man must always bring gifts when visiting your girlfriend for the first time, and not just for her but for her family as well. Gifts are very important in Russian courting etiquette. Gifts show that the man is "generous". It is not only about spending money on a girl. Gift giving shows the quality of the soul. It shows a person who is not selfish, a man who enjoys giving and receiving.
Giving generously, without expecting anything in return, was the traditional quality that was the pride of Russian character. Historically, Russians were always proud of their non-materialistic nature, and this included giving generously (if you had something to share). Since you are financially secure, it would be perceived as stinginess, if you did not make occasional gifts when dating a woman. It would mean that you are not generous. That you have something to share and do not share it. She would think that you want everything only for yourself. In the end, she would consider you selfish.<ref name="girl"/>
Talking about money
The biggest turn off for Russian women is when men talk about money. Money talks are a big "no-no" in Russian courting etiquette!
Talking about money in the Russian courting stage is as bad as chewing with your mouth open. She just cannot help feeling disgusted.
Being frugal when you are dating equals being cheap. You might accidentally say, "Wow, that's expensive!", and "bam", you may have just blown your chances. Russians call it being greedy, which translates to mean stingy.
According to Russian courting etiquette, men should pay for everything on a date - and do it with a smile. Even if this means he must spend to his last ruble.
If you say that something is expensive, what your woman hears is that you don't think she is worth this money! For example, if you say, "Wow, $5 for a glass of Coke, that's expensive!"; what she hears is that you don't consider her worthy of those $5!
In Russian, the meaning of the word expensive is rather absolute, it means "I cannot afford to buy this item", as opposed to the relative meaning, "this item is overpriced".
Sometimes, men erroneously start explaining the details of their travel arrangements to their woman. An example would be that they need to book tickets at least two months in advance because it is 10% less. For Russian women, this sounds cheap. Of course, one would assume that if she is making $100 a month, for her saving 10% from $1,000 ticket would be equivalent to her monthly salary, which is a lot of money. But women don't think that way. They consider it relative to the size of your salary. Let us say that you make $3,000 a month and move your meeting with her off for another two months just so you can save $100 (3% of your monthly salary). This will sound completely out of sync to her. She would not care about 3% of her monthly salary to meet you sooner. And since you can afford to spend that extra $100, you just don't really want to see her, or you just don't like her that much.
Put it simpler, remember as the rule of thumb: mentioning money matters is taboo in the Russian courting etiquette. You pay or you don't pay, and that's it. If you don't want to pay, just tell the woman, "No, we are not buying it", or "No, I don't want to buy it", but NEVER tell her you are not buying something because it is "expensive". If you have the money in your pocket to buy it, then it is NOT expensive. Otherwise, your remark is just disrespectful, nothing more, nothing less. If you just say, "No, we are not buying it", you show you are the man, and since it is your money you can spend it the way you want. This is perfectly acceptable.
If there is any problem at all in your relationship, and you tell your woman how much money you spent on her, you are signing your own death warrant in her eyes. This action is an unforgivable offence. There is now no possibility of recovery, you have lost her forever.
Never, EVER tell the woman how much money you have spent on her. You would not tell such things to a western woman you have been courting, so don't do it with a Russian woman either, or it sounds as you were trying to buy her. No matter how much money you spent on her, she does not owe you a thing.<ref name="girl"/>
Refusing an offer the first time
From time to time, you need to ask her if she is hungry or thirsty. If she says she is not but you are hungry or thirsty, most likely she is just being shy. Russian custom insists that a person should refuse a kind offer the first time. It is also considered polite to refuse a second time, so offer it at least 3 times. This means, that even if she is dying of hunger and you ask her if she is hungry, she will answer, "No, I'm fine". She will then be offended that you did not offer it again, and consider you stingy. Why? Because you just jumped on the opportunity not to buy her something, since you did not offer it again. Therefore, your offer was not genuine. If your offer was genuine, you would insist.
So, even if she says she is not hungry or thirsty, but you are, go and buy some food and/or drink, and ask her what she wants. Most likely she will also choose something. If she does not choose anything, suggest to buy her the same thing as you are buying for yourself.
If you allowed a woman to buy something with her own money, you MUST reimburse her for what she bought. The woman might not accept your reimbursement, but you must offer it (at least 3 times!). It is a disgrace when a woman pays for a man. You lose your "manly" image in her eyes. This is why most women will starve, but won't ask you to stop and eat something. You, as a man, are supposed to offer it yourself.<ref name="girl"/> Template:-
The man is in charge
The man may ask her suggestions, but only in the way, "I know there is this attraction, would you like to see it? Or would you like to go somewhere else?"
The man should be the leader. Once you accept this assertive position, your personal communications will go much more smoothly with her. This might be not the style you are accustomed to, but this is the style that works with Russian women.<ref name="girl"/>
If you are in her home city, the woman will be looking after you, after all, you are her guest. She will look after you, even if she does not like you, just because you are a guest. In Russia, every guest is precious and will be treated with the utmost respect. From your side, you will be expected to agree to her suggestions, even if you are not very excited about them. For example, if a woman takes you to a theme park, and you don't really enjoy rides, you still should go on some of the rides. You will hurt her feelings if you say, "I hate all those things". If you don't enjoy something, you should offer a different activity, but do not reject the activity she offered. After all, she is making the offer with an open heart. For example, instead of rides you could suggest to stop at a café and sit down and talk. If she suggests going on the rides again, you could just smile and say that you enjoy talking to her more than going on the rides.
Weddings in Russia (Under construction)
Marriages are registered at the local Citizen's records and Licensing Bureau. No marriage ceremony is required. Couples today marry much later than they did in the Communist era. Many wait until they have good jobs, are relatively financially secure and have a decent place to live. Urban couples tend to get married later than rural couples.<ref name="facts"/>
90% of women are married by the time they are 30, and few had children after that age.<ref>Masha Gessen, (2017). [The Future Is History: How Totalitarianism Reclaimed Russia]</ref>
With Russians suddenly free to emigrate after the fall of the Soviet Union, foreign men offered another route to prosperity. Love was optional. An American who taught English in Moscow tells me that during a class presentation a young woman recounted how her friend Maria married an American man, had a child with him, then turned around and divorced him. In the class discussion that followed, the storyteller’s classmates praised Maria for her “cleverness” and castigated the American husband for allowing himself to be duped.<ref name="lust"/>
Since it is a part of Russian culture, all Russian women want children in their marriages. So, Russian women seek men who will be able to support their family while they are unable to work during the child caring years. Most women in Russia will take full care of their children through age three. This tradition was inherited from the Soviet times when their work position was preserved for 3 years after childbirth, with fully paid maternity leave for 18 months and unpaid leave for an additional 18 months. Nowadays, maternity leave is not paid, but women believe it is proper to stay home with their baby while it is small, and seek men who are able to provide for their families.<ref name="girl"/>
Because of the economic collapse, the institution of marriage is in a deep crisis. In 1992, there were 20 percent to 30 percent fewer new marriages concluded in Russia than in 1990. In the same period, the number of divorces has risen by 15 percent.<ref name=facts/>
Divorce in Russia
In the 1990s, approximately one marriage in three ended in divorce, with the rate increasing 20 percent in the early 1990s after the break up of the Soviet Union. About 60 percent of Russian marriages now end in divorce.<ref name="facts">Marriage in Russia, Facts and Details</ref>
Section 7: Soviet Mentality Muscovites and Russians
"Suvok" is a dustbin and dustpan
In its simplest form, "Suvok" means to be a Soviet Citizen.
The Soviet Union is "Советский Союз", Sovetskiy Soyuz "Советский Grajidin" (Soviet Union) what they used to say, a lot of old Russians took pride in that.
They old mentality Russians today say:
"Look what is going on, everyone is at everyone's throats, the Ukrainians, the Kazaki, the Russians. In the former Soviet Union we were all together, we were all in one boat, maybe it wasn't all that rich, but we were all in one boat."
This is a classic line by the elderly.
There were two concepts that emerged from Советский Grajidin (Soviet Citizen).
One is the intelligentsia. This is somewhat contentious Homo Sovieticus, written by dissident author Aleksandr Zinovyev.
Homo Sovieticus is an effort to define a certain type of person. In the late 1920s and early 1930s Stalin said he was going to be the "engineer of human souls" to justify the deaths of millions. In large part he was successful. Stalin created a certain type of man.
Later on with a touch of bitter humor, Homo Sovieticus came to be known in a wider circle outside of the intelligentsia as "Subor" - which is a potter.
Subor was a group of people united with one goal, a collective mentality wrapped around a particular idea of a Soviet citizen. Troskti said "we will all be in the dustbin of history" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ash_heap_of_history
- Suvok leadership personalities today
Suvok are heartless Muscovites.
They will never say,
- I am sorry,
- they will never admit they are wrong.
...They can't because it is a sign of weakness.
- They don't smile. Because there is nothing to smile about.
- Endless suspicion. There is the sense that nothing is what it seems. You have to keep digging until you find out where the person's real interest is.
- Reasons behind the Suvok mentality
This suspicious mentality is understandable because most of the Soviet period everyone was against everyone. A Soviet citizen couldn't say anything in front of your children because they would blurt it out in school and that would be at best 25 years in the Gulag.
Russian's superiority complex (under construction)
This is the quote from Yezhenedelny Zhurnal that interviewed Alexander Golts, a top-ranked Russian military specialist (in connection with a failed launch of two intercontinental missiles): "All Russians, have a superiority complex, that we're still equal to the United States".<ref name="girl">Elena Petrova, (2006) How To Find And Marry A Girl Like Me.</ref>
Section 8: Further differences between Americans and Russians
>>>>> At what age does an American leave his parental home?
In America, 69% of young adults move out of their parents' home when they turn 18. Many go to college.
There are a couple of reasons why Americans move out from their parents' home.
First, there is a huge social stigma especially for men who stay at home. In dating relationship, women think they are a person who cannot support themselves.
America has the highest individuality of any country. On a scale of 1 to 100, Russians are rated at 43 for individualism whereas Americans are rated as 91. Young adults feel like there is freedom from moving away from home, that their parents are stifling them. They can make their own rules. Many move from home to apartments and dorms.
>>>>> When did you move from your parental home?
I moved from my parent's house when I was 18. I was very excited to be free and be able to make my own rules. I went immediately to college and lived in an apartment with other students.
>>>>> How many times does an American move in his life?
America is one of the most geographically mobile countries in the world. The average American moves once every 5 years, more than 11 times in a lifetime. As a result community connections are weaker. American friendships are non-committal compared to Russian friendships. Russian friendships are all encompassing, involve mutual sacrifices and are more intimate.
>>>>> What is the reason for Americans move so much?
The biggest reason Americans move is for work. The average U.S. employee works for a company for 4 years, compared to 10 years in the European Union.
The last move that Americans have is to an assisted living facility or nursing home. It is common that pensioners are put in nursing homes by their children instead of living with them. Only 10% of pensioners live with their children.
It is incredibly easy to move in America. You can rent a truck for $20 for one hour. You can rent a large two bedroom van which anyone can drive for a few hundred dollars.
What is so different in America is how most apartments are completely unfurnished. Whereas here apartments are like museums. With old items from previous tenants.
>>>>> What states did you live in?
I have lived in around 15 different cities and 6 states. I grew up in rural Idaho. I have lived in Mormon Utah, desert California, and beautiful Oregon. I earned my Law diploma in Latino Texas. I lived in Maryland just outside of the country capital, Washington city in a gentrified black neighborhood with a lot of crime.
>>>>> Does everyone have a house, an apartment in the property? How does this relate to rental housing?
65% of all Americans own a home. Unlike Russia, Apartments are usually only for renting. Houses are much bigger in America than in Russia and Europe. New American homes in America are twice as large as houses in Europe and Japan.
Homes have 30 year mortgages.
What I miss most about America is there is only one key and one door to get into my house. It is very complicated all the steps that a person must take to leave and enter their apartment in Moscow.
>>>>> What does an American smile mean? <<
The American smile is habitual. In jobs, Americans are required to smile. More smiles means happier customers means more money for the owner.
"social distance" is the amount of privacy expected in a culture. Americans have a high social distance. Whereas Russians do not even have a word for privacy. Russians are much more collectivist than individualistic Americans. In cultures that prize individualism, there is no predetermined social links. In these cultures people smile more because they need to build social relationships. Russian rely more on mutual understanding. Therefore, Russians express their emotions and attitudes more freely and don't feel like they have to smile.
My ex-wife was asked at her first job interview for "KFC" if she would try to be a friend with her customers. She said no, because she thought it was a stupid question. She did not get the job. This is partly because Americans ideas of "friends" is very low. They call someone friend very quickly.
>>> What could be hidden behind a smile? <<<
For the average American, there is nothing behind the American smile. It is a habitual form of communication.
Americans have a term called "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" Пассивно-агрессивное поведение – people from the capital of America, where I worked for 8 years – are very Пассивно-агрессивное. They will smile as they stab you in the back.
[TAKE OUT] You have to remember, When you meet an American in Moscow, these are not average Americans. Americans in Russia are more wealthy Americans. They tend to be from the wealthiest coastal cities. Just like Moscow people are much different than the average Russian, an American in Moscow is not like an average American. [TAKE OUT]
AUTOMOBILES AND OBESITY 88% of Americans have a car, second in the world only to Italy. Outside of New York which has a metro, the sidewalks are very empty because everyone drives. The average person drives 30 minutes to work. It is nearly impossible to get around without a car. The distances between cities is very very big Only the very poor do not drive. This lack of exercise means that Americans are very fat. In addition 37% of Americans eat fast food every day. As a result of this 40% of Americans are obese. .
>>> Is it true that in the USA you can buy a very inexpensive used car? <<<
Yes. Cars are significantly cheaper in America because of fewer taxes.
People can get used cars on credit also.
I had a Russian friend from Moscow who bought a car in New York for $1000 and traveled across America with the car. He kept it for a year.
>>> But how much will its service in a car service cost? <<<
You can buy a bad car in America also. But in America laws are enforced more strictly in Russia so many of the illegal things that people do when selling cars happens less.
>>> What does a personal car mean in American life?
The car is seen as freedom in America. It is an economic necessity for the majority of Americans.
>>>> How does the number of cars affect the look of cities?
For Americans, aesthetics is must less important than Russians. America is a new country with newer buildings with no history, which are torn down easily. This means that there are wider streets and large highways through cities.
>>> Where do Americans go on vacation?
Americans overwhelmingly go on vacation in America. Because of this, Americans are very ignorant of the rest of the world. 64% of Americans have no passport. Sociologist Seymour Martin Lipset stated “To know one country is to know none" – so Americans have no way to contrast their country with others. Part of the reason is America is so diverse and enormous.
Americans don’t take as much time off as Europeans and Russians from work. 25% of Americans don’t have any paid time off. 41% of Americans who have paid vacation days don't use them. Vacations are not a big part of Americans mentality.
For example, when I was working for the federal government, I never took time off, because I was able to cash in my vacation time at the end of the year for more money.
>>> How do they travel?
The majority travel by car or plane. Buses are only for the very poor. Trains are very uncommon and not used very much at all. The highways between cities in America are very large and in good condition.
>>>> How do national immigrants live in the USA?
Immigrants in America are treated well. Americans care most if a person can make money, not where they are from. Money is very important to Americans. The racism in America is much less than in Russia.
>>> Are there any unwritten laws in those territories where Latinos, Chinese and other peoples live?
>>> Do all Americans have a passport?
There is no internal passport in America. People usually use their drivers license as identification from every state.
>>> Which country do Americans consider the best in the world and why?
Other than America, Americans really love Europe. If there is one place an American wants to visit, it is Europe. This is because of the shared history that Americans have with Europe. Americans definitely feel like America is the best country in the world. They feel that anyone can work hard and become rich (which is untrue) they feel like America is the "land of opportunity"
>>> What is the American dream?
The American dream is to own your own house and two cars. To have a better standard of living than your parents did. Most Americans believe that America is the best country in the world, despite never being in another country. America is the second most patriotic country in the world after Thailand.
American soft power and propaganda is the best in the world, at least 20 years ahead of Russia. I have always wondered why there is an American dream, but why Russia has never developed a Russian dream.
Americans are very patriotic. At the beginning of sporting events all audience members and in elementary school every morning children stand up and put their hand on their heart and pledge allegiance to the American flag. When I first moved to America with my ex-wife she said it reminded her of German fascist movies.
>>> Are there any things that you are used to in the USA and which you lack in Russia?
Strong landlord laws that protect renters.
Russians are very different from Americans. I grew up in rural America, which has few people come to Russia. I miss being able to really talk to people and have them understand me. There is a cadence in speech which you never have with a Russian. A shared understanding of culture that is unsaid but understood.
A good postal system. Russia's postal system is terrible. A good postal system allows for Amazon.com, a very popular website in America. In America huge numbers of people buy everything they want online and have it shipped to their homes, in one to two days. It is very convenient. You can return anything within a month and get your money back if you don't like it. Moscow has couriers instead.
Mexican food. There are many Latinos in America and so there are American versions of Mexican food.
>>> Some differences between Americans & Russians? <<<
Americans are more willing to take risks. This is partly because of the ease of moving to another location and starting over. Americans are more tolerant of failure. Russians are more risk averse.
Because of the unstable history of Russia, as late as the 1990s, Russians are more careful with their money. They are less philanthropic. They hoard. They have a castle mentality – afraid that someone can take what they have. There is the Russian saying "don't bring your regulation to another monastery".
AMERICANS ARE PEACHES AND RUSSIANS ARE COCONUTS.
In America, friendliness does not equal friendship.
Cultures like Americans and Brazilains:
1. They smile frequently at strangers, 2. move quickly to first-name usage, 3. share information about themselves, and 4. ask personal questions of those they hardly know
But after a little friendly interaction with a peach person, you may suddenly get to the hard shell of the pit where the peach protects his real self.
In coconut cultures such Russia and Germany, people are initially more closed off from those they don’t have friendships with. They rarely smile at strangers, ask casual acquaintances personal questions, or offer personal information to those they don’t know intimately. But over time, as coconuts get to know you, they become gradually warmer and friendlier. And while relationships are built up slowly, they also tend to last longer…
AMERICANS ARE MORE DIRECT
In general, Americans are very direct. Whereas Russians focus more on nonverbal behavior. There is very little subtly in what Americans say. I called Muscovites sneaky and my Russian/American friend corrected this as Russians being subtle.
Russians talk in long uninterrupted monologues.
AMERICANS ARE LAW ABIDING Americans follow the rules and follow the law. There are two reasons for this. American laws are strictly enforced and Americans are religious, 80% of Americans believe in God. Because of the religious beliefs and weaker relationships, Americans are willing to snitch on each other.
AMERICAN COMMON COURTESIES
Americans say please and thank you much more than Russians.
OTHER DIFFERENCES 1. Freedom to say what you want. You are more free to express yourself in Russia on social issues such as race gender and sexual preference. 2. Americans don't believe that breezes in the winter can cause someone to be sick. (This caused huge arguments with my Russian ex-wife) 3. Unlike Russia, in American romantic relationships Americans expect total honesty. Americans will share about their past romantic relationships with others. 4. Americans wear shoes in the house. 5. Many homes are fully carpeted in all rooms except the kitchen and bathroom. 6. Americans are infatuated with "professional help" and "mental health". Americans love to engage in detailed analysis of their feelings towards each other with their spouse or lover. Many Americans have therapists. 7. American men do housework along with women. 8. Americans don't commit adultery as much as Russians.
>>> Why did you decide to leave the USA? <<<
Internationally the United States is the most violent country in the world today. Since the end of World War 2, the United States has conservatively killed 6 million people, the same number of Jews that Hitler killed in the Holocaust. By living in America with its high standard of living I was benefiting from this violence. Americans are willfully ignorant of what their country does overseas. As Martin Luther King said, The greatest purveyor of violence in the world today: my own government. I cannot be silent. For 30 years I have attempted to find a career which speaks out against such international violence. I came to Russia because I have a voice here and Russians support my viewpoint. My visa expired in July, afraid to be prosecuted for the state and federal material that I brought to Russia, I applied for temporary refuge status from the United States, which is still pending.
>>> Other information <<<
FRIENDSHIPS IN AMERICA TEND TO BE MORE SHALLOW THEN IN RUSSIA. Russians help out their friends much more than Americans. Russians are more willing to lend money for example.
Women are very independent and feminism is very strong in America. It is common for women not to wear makeup (only 41% of women wear makeup every day). Unlike American television and movies, Americans dress really badly compared to Russians. Women don't need men to support them which make them more independent. Family ties are not as deep. People in individualistic countries like America tend to smile more. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19409419.2016.1262208 My Russian friends complain about how their children come to America and are very rude as pre-teen and teenagers. 84% of American teenagers have a smartphone.
In the past ten years political correctness is very strong and therefore freedom of speech is threatened. People cannot share how they really feel about different races, genders, people's appearances or age.
GENERIC NEIGHBORHOODS Unlike Russia, the standard of living in America is similar everywhere. Whereas in Moscow people have a higher level of living like Europe, but in the Russian village they are very poor. Like Aschan and Leroy Merlin here in Moscow, there are "big box" stores throughout the country, in every city. This means that every city looks the same. Russia has unique small stores owned by local people, whereas America has much less.
My first year in Russia: One American's random observations about life in Moscow
- (These are observations from my first year in Moscow, 2015. I have lived here 2.5 years now and my understanding of Russia and Moscow has grown. The Moscow megalopolis has grown and changed too, this was before the World Cup and much of the technology is now better)
I am a polarizing personality in a polarizing land.
A MILLION VICTORS, TANYAS and OXANAS
I know several dozen, if not 60 Victors.
I know so many Tanya's and Elena's and Oxana's...
Many of their names are in Cyrillic.
Russians list their names backwards, last name first. First name last.
Their last names are often very very long and in Cyrillic and impossible to pronounce.
Cursive is alive and well in Moscow.
I despise the cursive T on public signs - which looks like an cursive M.
Text messages are not free in Russia
Russians not only have text (called SMS) and cell phones, they also have viber, whats app, email, skype, vk.com, facebook, yandex, google, and 2cig.
Most Muscovite are poor, and the rich are incredibly cheap, since the cell phone carriers charge for each text, there are a million alternatives to texting on every Muscovite's phone.
Printers and copying
Most Russians do not own a printer. Printers are of low quality here, "genuine" printer ink is prohibitively expensive. There is fake everything. I bought two telephone batteries with "Samsung" on the battery, and neither work. Returning them will be either hell or heaven depending on my own mood. Because if they don't like me or think that I am weak, they will be assholes to me.
There are several steps to printing anything. Lines are often long depending on the shop. There is no standard policy between chains about what can and cannot be printed. Each chain copy store is another castle. There is no self serve copying. There is only a young woman gatekeeper, who will either do a phenomenal job or a terrible job and overcharge you, depending on her mood. I have been trying to print out business cards from one copy center chain for months. These shops are found in little dark shops or in basements tucked away around the city. Again, if i am too aggressive, they tell me to fuck off. If I am too timid, they ignore me and serve the first New Russian that walks in off the street.
Appallingly cheap quality Chinese imports
In Russia, everything is dirt cheap in price, but terrible quality. Moscow receives the "bargain bin" of China imports - the cheap quality crap that no American would ever tolerate. Americans know how to demand better quality so they get it.
MOSCOW LOCKS AND MONETARILY ESCAPING RUSSIA AT STARBUCKS
Russians love their locks and doors and gates and complex systems. I cant count the number of times I nearly ran into a McDonald's or Starbucks or Pizza Hut just to "get away" from Russia. I was actually hyperventilating a couple of times. I craved American order instead of Russian jumbled chaos.
I totally see why Lee Harvey Oswald, the guy who shot Kennedy never stayed in Belarus past three years. What a nightmare life he must have had. Several dissenters in America, before the Soviet Union invaded Poland came to this advertised "Soviet Paradise" and many, many many of them were disillusioned and returned home. I distinctly remember in 2009 reading about one woman who was such a supporter of Russia after the revolution, she returned home disillusioned - this one single story disused me from being a protester and advocate for almost a decade.
Snowden wanted to go home before his girlfriend was shipped over to Moscow. I TOTALLY understand why now. OH MY GOD. THANK GOD FOR MCDONALD'S. Thank god that I have a mall across the street granted - it is across a six lane road of terror, where the rich drive with impunity. I have to walk through a series of tunnels to "walk" across the street, but by God it is a mall, a real American mall.
Moscow is a suffocating damp warm blanket
I understand why the Cold War happened, and why Russians don't understand Americans and Americans distrust Russians. Oh my God.
I describe living here like suffocating in a damp warm blanket. I pull up out of the darkness for a few minutes when I walk into "America".
Fresh from DC, in which networking is king, I tried to organize a huge party at my first job in September. No one showed up and I was banned from several meetups. The tall beautiful Russian woman I invited actually turned her back to me and told her friend in front of me that "she usually gets to know people before they go out for the first time"
Meetup is not to socialize, it is to "monetize" it is just a second or third job. nothing is free here - ketchup is 30 kopecks in Burger King. The napkins are hidden behind the counter. I love seeing free refills (self serve), which is rare even in the chains.
LIGHT FIXTURES FOR THE TOILET I never can find the light fixture for the toilet. There is no standard anything. Every house, building, and restaurant does it their own way. It makes for nice exotic surprises, but you never know if you are going in the men's restroom or woman's. You never know what button to push, or where to walk, or where not to walk.
A million Ivans
Attached is my 1:30 appointment tomorrow. We were supposed to swap English for Russian lessons.
I can't find him on email. i asked him, begged him to change his name from "komrad" to Ivan. I figured if we were going to work together, we would need to be able to contact each other. He never did.
I am so tired of well meaning Muscovites saying trite empty words, but never offering to really help.
Networking in Moscow
Meeting anyone here is a complex set of steps. Every step is long and complicated and maddening. People send me addresses in Russian or bad translations in English, then wonder why i get lost.
For the first time in my time here, I saw a "you are here sticker" on a map. It was tiny, about .5 inches long, but it was an actual red arrow.
I won't even talk about the metro. Built to stop invading armies, it now only stops repeat tourism.
Muscovite men are liars
Russian men lie. Oh my god do they lie. It is all about "what is in it for me". They have learned to have a fake smile and be so sweet to Americans, but I catch their eyes when they don't think I am looking.
Every Russian store has a unsmiling man there to greet you. The first thing you see is some security man - a hired thug asshole who is going to harass you. I got into a five minute argument outside of Ashan (a French grocery store) with the bodyguard because he would not allow me to put my bag on a marble raised dais.
Monstrous impersonal MOSCOW
People go years without seeing friends that are on the other side of Moscow. Roads are congested and dangerous. The rich and police drive with impunity.
CUSTOMER SERVICE - BEING RUDE TO WAIT STAFF WORKS BEST
Finding a toilet is a nightmare.
I am so exhausted of hearing "NET!" and "SHTO"! (What?!)
I especially hate SHTO.
Customer service depends on whether the cashier had a good or bad lunch.I have three videos of Ashan employees. The first and last are horror stories. The second is the best personal customer service I have received in any department store in months.
I have learned to be rude to the staff works best. I have to put on a fake frown and act like an asshole. That works best. I have to demand. If I ask nicely, like an American, these cashiers will be assholes. It is all based on your demeanor.
If a cashier likes you, they will treat you well, if they don't "fuck you".
The smaller Russian stores will rip you off, IF you call them on it, they make an excuse.
In stores, no one knows where anything is.
RUSSIANS IN GENERA
Russians and Russian history can be surmised as such:
Quiet desperation for centuries, for millennium. A county of serfs. Taught to follow.
Don't get me started with the drunks. I find drunks repulsive, but they are tolerated and even celebrated in movies here.
There is no setting up schedules. The schedules constantly change. There is no work stability as Americans see it for the vast vast majority of Russians. I am told the rest of Russia is a wasteland. This was were Lee Harvey Oswald was shipped. To the oppressive city of Minsk, Belarus (I have never been there) - this was standard practice with dissidents during the Cold War.
THE TRIPLE/QUADRUPLE LIVES THAT I AM FORCED TO LIVE
I work with the richest of the rich, and I have to act like everything great, I act like you can pay rent at the end of the month, I act like I know where your my next meal is coming from. I am forced to keep up appearances.I know how to talk to the richest of the rich, I know how to act like there isn't a care in the world. If I bring anything up unpleasant - poverty, war, anything of any substance - they make a casual off handed remark and change the subject. If I start to really open up, at least to the wealthy business men with their pressed collars and shiny shoes, I am casually pushed out of a job. This person is "not one of us" - he is _____
Moscow woman are looking for sugar daddy's and a ticket to escape grinding poverty
I went on national television show "Let's Get Married" to "find a wife" with 100 rubles in my pocket. I got lost numerous times walking to the studio.
99% of any Russian woman reading this will be repulsed. You have to keep up appearances, you have to be a strong man, who never cries or shows emotions. The westernized women like emotions, but only positive ones. Positive emotions means stability - means a chance to escape the hell of their life.
The beautiful women are so incredibly rude or so flirty depending on MY mood. Their flirtiness is often all a show. I remember flirting with a 20 something on the metro with a bright orange coat. As I left I looked back and she rolled her eyes. I thought, oh, she will never contact me, Sure enough she did. She wanted lessons, but at a reduced price. There is always this "whats in it for me?" Cultivated after millennium of subjugation and desperation.
Russia has the largest land mass in the world, but you would never know it from looking at Moscow. People are in tight spaces everywhere.
Do I love Moscow?
>>> Do I like it here?
Ask me in five minutes. I may have changed my mind.
It gets light at 4 am now. Which really messes up my sleep schedule.
To say that I am discombobulated, almost all the time, would be an extreme understatement. I go from the highest highs to the lowest lows in the same five minutes. Just when I think things are peachy, something happens which makes me shocked, angry or flabbergasted.
Take the mall food court for instance
I can go from the worst service in the world from a Russian fast food company - where I complain there is tin foil in my food (the Russian chain store that sells potatoes has terrible service) - and three minutes later, in the very next stall I get incredible American service at Burger King.
I have been called "Chuda" miracle several times. I inspire people, then literally the next minute I infuriate someone.
I am a polarizing personality in a polarizing land.
Youtube: Why Russia is better than America - Why people are moving to Russia
Why Russia is better than America
The next thing is going to shock you - freedom do we have more freedom in Russia than you do in America? Do you have the freedom of speech saying that you don't want to serve the gay person, do you have the freedom to say what you feel about dating and women? Do you have the freedom to share how you feel about many of the deep culture war issues in America? There is no political correctness in Russia. There are no snowflakes. Freedom of speech is quite restricted in America. Come to Russia and see for yourself.
Snowflake (slang): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowflake_(slang)
|Why Russia is better than America
|Why people are moving to Russia
Russia has been the mystery for a lot of people - for a century or so it was closed for a while and nobody could visit it and now it is open. it is completely different for many European countries
It is very difficult to live in this country for a normal American person or a European you are deprived from a lot of things
Russia are conservatives about everything the young still believe in God
Russian women in their beauty and they take care of themselves very well and they are very feminine feminism hasn't penetrated our country
Culture differences matter
Excerpt from The Culture Map:by Erin Meyer
One reader commented, “Speaking of cultural differences leads us to stereotype and therefore put individuals in boxes with ‘general traits.’ Instead of talking about culture, it is important to judge people as individuals, not just products of their environment.”
At first, this argument sounds valid, even enlightened. Of course individuals, no matter their cultural origins, have varied personality traits. So why not just approach all people with an interest in getting to know them personally, and proceed from there? Unfortunately, this point of view has kept thousands of people from learning what they need to know to meet their objectives. If you go into every interaction assuming that culture doesn’t matter, your default mechanism will be to view others through your own cultural lens and to judge or misjudge them accordingly. Ignore culture, and you can’t help but conclude, “Chen doesn’t speak up—obviously he doesn’t have anything to say! His lack of preparation is ruining this training program!” Or perhaps, “Jake told me everything was great in our performance review, when really he was unhappy with my work—he is a sneaky, dishonest, incompetent boss!”
Yes, every individual is different. And yes, when you work with people from other cultures, you shouldn’t make assumptions about individual traits based on where a person comes from. But this doesn’t mean learning about cultural contexts is unnecessary. If your business success relies on your ability to work successfully with people from around the world, you need to have an appreciation for cultural differences as well as respect for individual differences. Both are essential. As if this complexity weren’t enough, cultural and individual differences are often wrapped up with differences among organizations, industries, professions, and other groups.
But even in the most complex situations, understanding how cultural differences affect the mix may help you discover a new approach. Cultural patterns of behavior and belief frequently impact our perceptions (what we see), cognitions (what we think), and actions (what we do).
- 28 stereotypes about Russia: Which ring true and which are complete rubbish? RBTH.COM
- Greenwald: 'I Came to Russia to Combat US’ Toxic View on the Country'
- Michael Bohm - American, fluent in Russian. Journalist.
- Pravda Report: Russian Mentality: Uncertainty and Fatalism
- Pravda Report: Secret recipe for Russia - Almost 90% of Russians consider that quality of the imported goods goes down as the industry moves to Russia.
Russia’s Long Road Toward Resurgence
Vladimir Pozner: How the United States Created Vladimir Putin
Russian inventions that changed the world
Wikipedia articles I wrote
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Putin_Country (Book)
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Vladimir_Schneiderov Vladimir Schneiderov was a Soviet era film director targeted by the KGB for alleged anti Soviet statements.